Oh growing up.
This is a post on things that I’m growing in. Just some thoughts. Like a stream of consciousness, but hopefully more focused.
This spring has been a crazy time for Sarah and I. We’ve encountered two of the toughest situations outside our marriage that I think a couple can encounter. The first is an ongoing family dispute. As things unfold with various family members I can’t help but hope I am my own person and that is why Sarah married me. I find myself hoping that she didn’t marry me because she’s tragically doomed to be attracted to people who hurt her. Here we are approaching year 3 of our marriage and I’m still coping with the fear of inflicting hedgehog style damage on the most precious person in my life. But the fact of the matter is I am my own person covered by the grace of God and dedicated to making better decisions for us each new day. And when Sarah and I chat about this, it is clear to us that a humble, malleable attitude is really a key to a successful marriage. Still I’m learning that growing up and being a man is to be a man of integrity. It’s silly to think, almost embarrassing, that I struggle with doing what I say I’m going to do when I say I’m going to do it. I’m terrible about this in every aspect of my life. But I’m working on it. And it feels like growing up.
The second major speed bump came along in May when Sarah’s grandfather’s liver cancer took his life. It was a long, difficult month seeing him degrade in 4 weeks after he lived pretty comfortably for several years with the cancer. It was a huge learning experience for me. This was really hard for Sarah and she might share her feelings about it. But for me it was in the most positive way, an opportunity to serve and love Sarah and her family. In the most negative and selfish way, it was a major disruption of family rhythm that we’re still recovering from. I’m learning that rhythm is important to me in the way that it is how I manage my time and accomplish tasks. When we canceled everything on every weekend of May to head up to be with pappy, I had to let go of all my expectations and be present with Sarah and her family. Things around the house weren’t getting done, plans were being canceled or delayed and our already busy schedule got chaotic. Two months later, Sarah and I still feel like we’re picking up the pieces. We’re getting things done, and trying to get back into a rhythm that is healing the hurts of a lost loved one while helps us gain control of all of our commitments and our household day to day management. It is hard work.
But through all this we’re learning more and more about each other. If we weren’t we’d be missing the point and we wouldn’t be growing as people, together. It gives me so much joy to sit down with Sarah and dive into all the thoughts and emotions we’re ashamed of and say to each other – ouch that hurts, but I love you. We’re growing up, and it’s a state of humanity I often take for granted. People are always changing. Everyday is an opportunity to be someone different, for better or worse. So here’s to making today better!